Sometimes I wonder if my shadow is actually always there and has nothing to do with the light, and if at night she lays next to me and sings me lullabies and in the mornings rouses me and in the dark times is the one who shakes me free. I wonder about who I would be if every decision I ever made was the opposite of what is; I wonder if I would be nothing like the me I am today or if I would be the exact same or would be something in the middle or something completely unfathomable to the current who I am. Which one of these is most likely? I wonder again. I wonder about death sometimes, and if it matters. I wonder about whether the shape of a leaf might mean something spiritual or if it is simply mathematical, and sometimes I wonder if mathematics is spiritual but in some way I can’t quite grasp because I did not invent mathematics, and if mathematics is indeed something that was invented rather than something that just is, did people invent it and so superimpose it or did we find it and then in that case who made mathematics and why? Other than the reason to just make my head spin. I wonder if plants are more self-aware than we think. I wonder a lot, I think. Actually, I don’t really have the slightest clue if I wonder all that much because I have no idea at what capacity that other people wonder; I wonder about that, too. I wonder if you implanted my brain into another and inserted their brain into me would I become that other or would I remain in my body, or, would something get crossed and each of us would become something completely new? Am I more than an organism? Where did I come from and where will I go? Is there something that I’m supposed to be doing? There have been instances of people living full lives with only half their brain but to live with only half a heart a person could not survive for one day without medical aid. And if you hooked a human being up and drained all their blood away that person would die, so, perhaps my soul lies in neither the heart nor the mind but rather in the red liquor that flows up and down from my toes back up to my crown but perhaps I don’t even have a soul. Huh. I wonder if I am being quite silly. And in all my wondering there is only one thing I really realize.
I really just…don’t know!